I started this website for a variety of reasons: to inform, help and inspire. Mostly, I started as a vehicle to share my story and inform about the hazards of high conflict marriage, separation, divorce and custody battles. My story is the extreme, but that does not mean that a non-high conflict marriage or divorce is any different. Pain is pain. There are levels and threshold to pain as well. A therapist once told me, “Pain is a great motivator!”
I am not a therapist. However, I am a researcher and have a B.S. and M.S. in Interpersonal Communication. I love it. As a professional, I use my skills in an unrelated field. Here, I get to share my academics, knowledge, research and share experience. Hopefully, it is helpful or entertaining.
Are you married to an addict, a person with mental illness, or someone with deep personal issues?
If you are like me (or, was), and your marriage or family life is experiencing extremely difficult times now is the time to make a plan. No matter what the problems may look like (i.e., financial concerns, abuse, addiction, or caring for a physically/emotionally / mentally / handicapped / developmentally disabled family member).
If so, do you find yourself making excuses for these issues? Do you feel overburdened? Taking over the housework because your poor spouse is just too depressed to help? Calling in sick for your alcoholic spouse? Denying that abuse is going on in your own home? Do you find yourself taking charge and bearing the burdens of the entire marriage or family?
You may be a codependent.
Codependency causes serious issues in marriages and families. And, I am codependent was really stuck in my sickness for a long while before I accepted that my life was in emergency.
Several researchers and therapist believe that you may have learned to be codependent because of your family background. It happened in your family (i.e., you experienced it growing up). So, it’s very possible that you have the tendency to be attracted to a similar situation.
You may have learned behaviors such as making excuses, tuning out, controlling, excessive care taking, being hyper-vigilant because you feel that you should do something to save your family from shame or to at least diffuse the situation and keep the peace (i.e., as I am more than guilty). You also do this because you may have a desire to be needed and you fear of doing anything that would change (i.e., or “rock”) the relationship.
Unfortunately, while such behaviors may reduce conflict and tension currently, they won’t help for the long term. Simply, you are just reinforcing the situation and probably, allowing it to worsen. You are also allowing yourself to be lost within the situation and, in the long run, may find yourself no longer able to cope.
What can you do to overcome codependence in your marriage and family life?
Is there help for Codependency?
If you are reading this and have come to recognize that you do have this problem – congratulations. That is the first step in beginning to overcome codependence. Admit that you have a problem and take steps to begin changing it. It will require both self-help and professional help.
More often than not, these issues stem from deep seated psychological problems. Don’t let shame keep you from seeking the help of a counselor or psychologist. Moreover, there are programs similar to Codependents’ Anonymous or Al-Anon that will help you process your issues and provide you with tools how to overcome them.
Your partner or family member may also need professional help, especially if they are battling clinical conditions or addiction. Work at getting them the help they need, whether they want it or not. There are some excellent suggestions in www.savemymarriagetoday.com’s ebook “How to Change Your Partner from Addiction, Even If they don’t want to!”
This program lead me to Al-Anon. There, I learned so much more and found compassionate people to learn from and cry on their shoulders. I am a 6’3″ 225lb man that rarely asks for help, but I am so glad I did.
If there is abuse in your home, more radical steps must be taken. For the sake of your own self-respect and for your children, if you have any, break away from the situation. Find a shelter or group that will help you gain your independence and help you through healing and recovery.
Codependents need healing too and, once recognized, you should not allow the situation to continue. Get the help you need.
You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your marriage recovery! My Save My Marriage Today course has helped save thousands of marriages and is guaranteed to deliver results or your money back.
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Your marriage and your life deserves better!
Never Give Up!
Although I eventually had to leave my marriage and restore my life, I used this course for help. I discovered a lot of things about myself with this program. I wanted to help my marriage. It definitely changed my perspective, allowed me to grow and ultimately helped me to rebuild my life!
Never Give Up!